


Whatever We Were, That We are Still

by auselysium



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, M/M, talk of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-19
Updated: 2015-05-19
Packaged: 2018-03-31 07:59:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3970120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/auselysium/pseuds/auselysium
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Robert finds Aaron at Jackson's grave on the anniversary of his death.  Then two years later, Robert finds himself visiting that same grave.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Whatever We Were, That We are Still

**Author's Note:**

> Death is nothing at all  
> I have only slipped away into the next room  
> I am I and you are you  
> Whatever we were to each other  
> That we are still
> 
> Henry Scott-Holland, 1847-1918, Canon of St Paul's Cathedral

*

_ June 7, 2015 _

 

J O H N   J A C O B   S U G D E N

 

Robert traces the letters, etched deep into the granite, their edges rough under his fingertips

“I know I haven’t been enough since I’ve come back.  But I’ll be better now, promise.  That goes for you too, mum,” he says with a nod the adjacent tombstone.  He makes sure the small bouquet he’d brought for her grave is placed the just so, the delicate flowers looking as beautiful as she’d have wanted.  Satisfied, he stands, knees cracking as he does.

It’s a gorgeous morning in the village, the sun already glowing warm, illuminating the lush greens of summer. He turns, face lifted towards the light, ready to head back to his car when he notices he’s not alone in paying his respects to the dead.

Another man stands alone further down the hill.  His head is bowed but his shoulders are squarely defiant in an all too familiar angle.  

Hands slipping into his pockets, Robert starts down the hill.

“Aaron,” he says gently when he is close enough to see the tears, flowing freely down his cheeks.

With a large sniffle and an equally large eyeroll, Aaron crosses his arms over his middle.  “What you doing here?”

“Mum and dad are up the hill, aren’t they,” he says with a glance back where he came from.  

“Right,” Aaron mumbles, eyes steadfastly on the the gravesite.  He wipes bitterly at his face with the pad of his thumb, but more tears follow in their wake.  

Robert has been too busy looking at Aaron, his trim figure silhouetted against the brilliant blue sky stirring all sorts of memories and emotions, to even look at whose grave he was visiting.  When he finally does, he understands the raw grief on Aaron’s face.

JACKSON WALSH

August 4th, 1989 - June 7, 2011

remembered and loved always

 

The mental math, along with matching the day’s date along with the one on headstone, happens automatically.   _Four years_ , Robert thinks.  

Now Robert is fully aware of what an insensitive prat he’s been to Aaron in recent weeks.  The cruel outburst after Chrissie chucked him out, his drunken kiss attempt, the half hearted offer to run away together, his smug return to Home Farm, then weeks of avoidance, ignored texts and disgusted looks across the bar.  He knows how much he’s hurt Aaron; he’s not completely unaware.  But even he, with all his self-preserving egotistic ways, knows the sacredness of this moment.  And knows there is no place for him in it.  Not anymore.

And yet, for the first time since those days at Home Farm, there is no aura of exasperation surrounding Aaron, no out and out anger buffeting Robert away from him.  He almost seems receptive to his presence, or at least not completely repulsed by it, which is more than he’s gotten in a long time.  He has to admit, it feels nice.

“You want me to go?” Robert asks as way of checking that he’s reading things correctly.  Aaron looks up and meets his eyes.  Perhaps he shakes his head, it’s almost impossible to tell. But the hollowed out sadness present in his look is answer enough.  No one should be alone when looking like that.

Robert steps shoulder to shoulder with Aaron and looks at the simple headstone, looking too new amidst the ages-old stones of villagers past.  

“It’s the first time I’ve been here for the anniversary.”  

“You want to talk about it?”

Aaron lets out a derisive huff.  “I have a hard enough time getting through this day without rehashing it for you again.  You know how it all happened.”

“No, no,” Robert says.  His hand hovers by Aaron’s shoulder but does not land.  “I didn’t mean about the day he died.  I meant about him.   What was he like?  You’ve never really said.”  

Aaron looks at him, his red eyes narrowed and uncertain.  “You serious?”  

Robert shrugs obligingly.  “Course.”

The offer clearly takes Aaron by surprise, he takes a moment, a deep breath, and then, as if he’s never done it before, he lets the memories wash over him.  Robert can almost see the moment it happens as a warmth fills his tear stained eyes, fills them with a happiness the likes of which he has only seen there a handful of times.  It’s so beautiful it nearly takes his breath away.  

“He was…” The words are like sighs.  “Brilliant.”

A smile flutters across Aaron’s lips but fades quickly as he catches Robert’s eye, suddenly embarrassed.  Robert simply returns the small gesture and nods, encouraging him to go on.

“He had a wicked sense of humor, was always up for a laugh or a night out. He was a decent pool player but a miserable dancer, though that never stopped him once he’d had a few.  He had a great smile.”  Then softly, “Gorgeous.”

Aaron’s eyes close, the tears for now, having dried.

“I was such a mess when I met him.  I hated myself.  Hated who I was and who I wanted.  But him, he was so sure about who he was. Being gay, it didn’t matter to him anymore. I couldn't even understand how that was possible.  And yet, there he was.  Living his life.  Working. Dating blokes.  And he was alright, you know?  It was just part of who he was.”

Robert listens, trying to not let that topic, still so sensitive between them, get under his skin.  

“He should have run a thousand miles in the opposite direction.  God knows I gave him plenty to reasons to, but he stuck by me, even when I hurt him.  He always looked out for me.  Only ever wanted me to do the right thing and not let my hot head get in the way,” he snickers pathetically.  “If I’d listened to half his advice my life would have been a whole lot easier. But even so, even with me being a complete idiot, we were happy.  He made me ok.  I was gentler with him.  A better man.”  Aaron shakes his head.  “I’m not making sense.”

“No, you’re fine,” Robert reassures.  “He sounds fantastic.  No wonder you loved him.”

“I didn't even know what love was until him.”  His voices changes, loses its previous gentleness and fills with the gruff memory of self-loathing that had plagued Aaron all those years, the internal disgust that Robert saw flare up and grab hold of him in dangerous and frightening ways not so long ago.  “But yeah, I loved him.  A lot.  Even if I only realized it too late.”

“After the accident, you mean?”

Aaron nods.  “He tried pushing me away, just trying to do what he thought was best for me.  Again.  He ended things.  Told me to move on and I tried.  I did.  I went out and met someone else.  But I couldn’t be with anyone else.”  His voice breaks.  “It was only Jackson.  He was all that mattered.  And by the time I could finally get it through his thick skull that I really did love him and that he was everything to me, he was already too far gone.”

Robert looks down at his shoes, ashamed at the sudden flare of jealousy in his chest to hear Aaron speak so candidly about his feelings for Jackson. Is this what had Aaron felt everytime he spoke about his life with Chrissy?  Did he feel this same burning ache around his heart?  Where he wants to lash out in anger at this person who had his heart while at the same time desperately ask why he is not enough?

As Aaron falls into silence, Robert questions his right to even feel jealous after everything he’s done to him.  And what kind of sick sod is jealous of a dead man?  

The remembrances, for Aaron, continue to flow, unaware of the affect they are having on Robert.  

“He tried so hard to be himself again once he got the diagnosis, to put on a good face.  But how could he?” His jaw clenches and he looks away, as the re-surging tears thicken his voice.  “I only ever wanted him to be happy.  For us to make the best of things but...His life was over.  So when it came down to it, when we finally knew what he really wanted, I just wanted to give him peace.”

“He has that now,” Robert says, his hand going to Aaron’s shoulder.  “You can be certain of that.”

Aaron exhales heavily, his body shuddering under Robert’s touch.  Aaron looks at him, his eyes gently cascading over Robert’s face.  “Thanks,” he says finally.  “For listening.  People don’t even want to talk about him.  It’s like they’re afraid of what I’ll do if they even mention his name.”

“What do you mean?”

Aaron’s face is bleak and his voice matches.  “You’ve seen the scars.”

Robert unconsciously traces the outline of his body with his eyes, able to remember in pristine detail the ever-fading lines scattered across Aaron’s beautiful body.  His fingers ache to touch that smooth skin again, to touch him, even if only in comfort.

“Look,” Robert turns to face him, stepping as close as he’ll dare.  He squeezes Aaron’s bicep, only dropping his hand away when Aaron gives it a quizzical look. “I know you want nothing to do with me. And I get that. I really do.  And as much as you probably don’t want to hear it and as much as I’ve been absolute shit at showing it, I do still care about you.”

Annoyance flares on Aaron’s face as he laughs callously.  He deflects his eyes away from Robert, stern defiance emanating off him.  “You’re right, I don’t want to hear it.  Especially not here and now,” he snaps.

“No, I know,” Robert winces, realizing what a great ponce he’s being once again by making this moment about them.  About him.  “But that offer to talk if you need me, it still stands.  Always will.”  

Robert steps away, having said what felt compelled to say and not willing to press his luck any further.  He’s several yards away when his hears Aaron call his name.  

“I’ll be in the pub later, having a drink for him.” He tosses his head back towards Jackson’s grave.  “You could come if you like. Just you and me.  As mates or whatever…”

Hope flares where the jealousy and sadness had been resting before.  He smiles at the all the possibilities Aaron’s ‘whatever’ could lead them to.  He knows his life is a mess, but he also knows what he feels.  When he’d told Aaron he loved him and that Chrissie wasn’t enough, he’d meant it.

“I’d like that.”  

“Later, then,”  Aaron says.  He turns back to Jackson’s grave, kneeling down to touch the grass.  Robert returns to his car, already looking forward to toasting the past with Aaron that night, and maybe if he can finally do what his heart has been begging him to do for ages, the future too.

*

 

_ June 7, 2017 _

There had been thunderstorms the night before.  Bright flashes had lit up the midnight sky followed by long rolling claps that had echoed across the valley, leaving behind it an unseasonably cool morning.  It’s early yet, the birds still singing their morning reveille.

Robert walks through the still wet grass, making his way past his parents graves, remembering the day exactly two years ago when he’d promised to come back more.  Just another in a long series of promises he’d broken that year.

He finds the site he’s looking for, staring long and hard at the name, still surprised by his own sentimentality that had drawn him here.

“You don’t know me,” he says not sure if he should talk to the ground, the stone or the sky above.  “I wasn’t here when you lived in the village.  But I grew up here in Emmerdale, came back a few years ago.  We’ve got something in common, though: we were both mad enough to fall in love with Aaron Livsey.”

He stops to laugh for a moment.

“He’s a piece of work, isn’t he?  Completely impetuous and petulant, but don’t call him that.  I did once during a fight, and that didn’t go over well.”

Robert squints up at the sky, where the sun is trying desperately to break through the thick layer of clouds.

“I’m going to ask Aaron to marry me tomorrow.”  A rush of air fills his lungs.  It’s the first time he’s said it outloud.  He hasn’t bought a ring or made elaborate plans.  That is not Aaron’s style and it’s not theirs as a couple either.  He’ll keep it simple and he’s confident Aaron will say yes, but he’s still nervous.

“Paddy and Diane will be fine about it.  Vic, I know, will be happy.  I doubt Chas will ever really approve of us, so that just leaves you.  I think you meant more to him than anyone so I guess I’m just looking for your permission.”

Robert waits, feeling equal parts silly and serious. “No bolts of lighting from the sky so I’m going to take that as a ‘yes’.”

He takes a step forward, resting the tips of fingers on the arched stone.  “Two years ago, I stood here with him and he told me all about you and how much he loved you.  It was that day that I realized what a complete arse I had been about the whole situation, how misguided all my motives were.  That was the day we started getting things back on track to be where we are now.  Lord knows I’ve cocked it up plenty of times since, and probably will again in the future, but all this time he’s stood with me.  Looked out for me.  Just like you did for him,” Robert speaks intently now, eyes unwavering on the letters of engraved name.

“I swear to you, I’ll be a better man for Aaron.  Because we both know he deserves nothing less and because I’m better with him by my side.  He’s shown me the potential of who I can be if I’m just honest with myself.”  Robert’s hands fall to his sides.

“He’s my Jackson.”

Robert swallows down so much emotion.  “Thank you,” he whispers when he is finally able.  “Thank you for loving him and for giving him a chance to give that love in return.  Thanks for standing by him when it mattered most and in the end, thank you for letting him go.  For letting him live a life after you.”

Robert allows himself to cry, as there is no hope in holding it off anymore.  He relishes the amazement and the gratitude that somehow he and Aaron have muddled through all the adversities they’ve faced only to come out strong and committed.  He doesn’t deserve such dedication, but Aaron doesn’t love by halves.

“You know, I think you were the love of his life.”  It’s a simple realization.  Heartbreaking but true.  “If he had the choice, I know he’d still want you here.  But I’m going to do everything I can to make him happy.  I promise you that.  So thank you for taking care of him but that’s my job now. You rest easy, Jackson.”

With one final press of his fingers to the headstone, Robert turns towards the village, to the small flat he and Aaron share, to the place where his boyfriend-soon-to-be-fiance is probably still fast asleep in their bed.  

He feels the sun on his back, finally having worked its way through the clouds.  He lifts his face to it and smiles at what will be a perfect summer day, brilliant and gorgeous.  

 

 ****  


**Author's Note:**

> The words "gorgeous" and "brilliant" were both words Jackson used to describe Aaron at various points in their story. I used them here repeatedly to describe the day, Jackson, Robert's feelings etc.


End file.
